why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
