omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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