I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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