Reggie can tackle my bush.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
