maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
