I need to stop coming to work sober
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
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pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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