What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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