Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
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Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?