I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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