The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
the raccoons are back...
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