Will you blow on my dice?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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