Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
