dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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