omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
