I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
