Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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