Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
