birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize