how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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