He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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