Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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