if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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