I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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