dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
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Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize