What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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