1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
