our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
