she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
