i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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