Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
