I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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