the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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