Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
