I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
