I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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