So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
