My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
