I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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