I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
dude. I can hear the air.
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