the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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