Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
