is your mom at the bar?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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