Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
