a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
