I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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