literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
