I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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