Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
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There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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