No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
