I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
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This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked