Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I want a musical about memes.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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