hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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