About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
