I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
