We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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