ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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