Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
