OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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